Let's Bust a Recap : Merry Wives of Windsor

And we're back with some more Shakespeare, and look at me go, posting my recap within a month of reading the play! Merry Wives of Windsor has been my favorite play by the Bard in many a year. It was a true comedy, and even though a lot of critics say it's Shakespeare's worst play, I loved it. What can I say? I'm a simple girl, and I like what I like. The Merry Wives had me grinning from ear to ear. It's full of scheming, trickery, and women getting the best of a bunch of silly men, and I was here for every word of it.

We open on a bunch of men talking about a bunch of stuff and, boiling it all down to what's actually important, we learn that 1) Page has a daughter named Anne whom he's ready to marry off to a guy named Slender, and 2) that there's some guy named Falstaff running around who's a lowdown, good-for-nothing. 

Then we meet a Welsh parson who is determined to help Slender woo and win Anne. And let me just tell you, everyone else seems to care more about Slender marrying Anne than Slender himself cares. At one point, when he's supposed to be wooing her, Anne straight up asks him if he even likes her, and he's just like, "Yeah, you're as good as any other woman, I guess." And when she presses him on if he even wants to marry her, he continues with, "I actually don't really care, but your dad and my uncle think it's a good idea so why not?" He's hilariously unconcerned about his future marital bliss. 

But back to the Welsh parson. We find out that Anne has another suitor, a one Doctor Caius, and he is not happy that the parson is trying to help Slender court his ladylove and he's ready to fight him over it. So he challenges him to a duel. 

The parson! Not Slender, who is his actual rival for Anne's hand in marriage. This is basically just Shakespeare's device to get these two guys with funny accents on the stage together for more comedy. (The doctor is French.) We also learn that Doctor Caius is Anne's mother's choice for a husband for her daughter. 

Are you confused yet? Anne's dad wants her to marry Slender (who couldn't care less what woman he ends up with), her mom wants her to marry the French doctor (who very passionately wants to marry Anne), and Anne herself wants to marry some guy named Fenton (who blew through a fortune so neither of the parents like him which, honestly, seems justified). 

While all this is going on, the lowdown, good-for-nothing Falstaff arrives in town, broke as a joke, and ready to seduce the titular merry wives, Mistress Page and Mistress Ford, to get his filthy paws on their husbands' money. So he decides to send them pretty much identical love letters to try to get in their pants. He then tells a couple of his underlings to go deliver the letters but they're all, "We're not your do-boys, loser" even though, as far as I can tell, that's exactly what they've been up to this point. I guess they're sick of Falstaff though so they go and tell Page and Ford exactly what Falstaff is up to. 

Page laughs it off, but Ford gets insanely jealous and comes up with a whole big plan to disguise himself and befriend Falstaff so he can keep tabs on the whole situation. Oh and this plan involves him paying Falstaff to seduce his wife so that then Ford himself will be able to seduce her too?? It's Shakespeare, guys, what did you expect?

Little does Falstaff know, Mrs. Page and Mrs. Ford are besties so, of course, they immediately show each other these outrageous letters and, after they get over the audacity of this clown to send them the same letter, they realize they are going to have a lot of fun messing with Falstaff. 

So Mrs. Ford sends Falstaff a letter telling him to come to her house while her husband is away and we're off to the races. 

Falstaff brags to Ford (who he thinks is some guy named "Brook") how easy it was to seduce Mrs. Ford and tells him he's about to go to her house right now. Ford, naturally, is in a total rage over this and gives Falstaff a short head start but then heads for home himself to catch his wife in the act. 

They're all playing right into the merry wives' hands. 

So Falstaff shows up at the Fords' home but before he can really get anywhere with Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Page runs in yelling, "Your husband is coming, your husband is coming!" The women stuff Falstaff into the dirty laundry and have the servants carry him out right under Ford's nose and dump him in the river where he nearly drowns. 

Chalk one up for the merry wives. 

The wives at this point realize that their husbands are obviously wise to Falstaff's intentions and decide to have even more fun with this. 

Falstaff, humiliated, swears off Mrs. Ford and Mrs. Page, but a quick letter with some sweet nothings that the wives' cooked up has him right back in the game and he's immediately bragging to Brook (aka Ford) that he was just about to get it on with Mrs. Ford when her husband showed up and he escaped in the laundry basket. To which Ford is fuming over his wife's deceitfulness and loudly castigating Page for being such a naive idiot for not suspecting his wife of questionable behavior since women plainly can't be trusted. 

The second time Falstaff trots off to the Fords' house, the merry wives dress him up as a fat old lady that Ford hates and has forbidden to come in his house so that when Ford shows up to once again catch his wife cheating, he beats Falstaff black and blue thinking he's the fat witch that was banned from the house.  

Brilliant. Chalk another one up for the merry wives. 

At this point, they let their husbands in on the joke. Page gets a good laugh, and Ford is properly cowed, apologizes to his wife, and proclaims his unflinching faith in her from then on. Then they all, along with various other characters that I haven't given much attention to in this recap, come up with one final plan to humiliate Falstaff. 

Mrs. Ford writes him one last letter asking him to dress up as Herne the hunter with big antlers growing out of his head and meet her by a tree at midnight. Then they dress up all the kids in town as fairies and instruct them to pinch Falstaff and burn him with torches when he shows up. 

Diabolical.

Meanwhile, Page has instructed Slender to steal away with Anne (who will be dressed in white) during all the confusion and marry her. But Mrs. Page has also instructed the French doctor to do the same thing (but she says Anne will be dressed in green). And Anne and Fenton have made their own plan to run away during the frenzy and elope. (I'm not sure what color Anne actually wore and that bothers me a little.)

So after the plan has been carried out and the mayhem dies down, Slender shows back up saying he ended up with some boy dressed in white and the doctor says the same thing about a boy dressed in green, and then Anne and Fenton arrive all glowing and triumphant. Everyone has a good laugh, the Pages' congratulate their daughter for marrying the man she actually loves, and even Falstaff takes the joke on the chin and they all go off to have a meal together. 

I mean, is that not funny? As far as I'm concerned, that's a good time at the theater, and I would go to a live production of Merry Wives of Windsor any day of the week. The critics can say whatever they want; I thought this play was hysterical. 

Let's Bust a Recap : Coriolanus

It's February which means it's time for some Shakespeare, but before I pick up Merry Wives of Windsor which is the comedy on the docket for 2026, I've got to get Coriolanus done and dusted. So today, let's talk about one of old Billy the Bard's last tragedies and then hopefully we'll be back in a few weeks to talk about his Merry Wives. 

Coriolanus is basically about this guy Caius Marcius who's just kindof this mid Roman. He has money and he thinks the plebeians are a total waste of space, but he's also not really in a position of power either. He's hotheaded and bloodthirsty and a complete snob. 

So the Volscians are trying to overthrow Rome led by Tullus Aufidius (whom Marcius deems a worthy adversary by the way, because why even fight if it's not going to be a good fight) and Marcius leads a troop of soldiers into the city of Corioles and completely wrecks it. The Romans basically hoist him on their shoulders and take him back to Rome singing Hail the Conquering Hero and Rome names him Coriolanus for his total devastation of this city. So from now on, I'll refer to him as "Coriolanus". 

Meanwhile, I should mention that his mom Volumnia, who has this very creepy reverse-Oedipal thing going on, has been sitting back at home with Coriolanus' wife and kid waxing on about how she hopes the battle is bloody and that her son is victorious but, you know, with some wounds to make it more dramatic and hot. It's weird. His wife Virgilia is like, "I mean, I hope he wins too, but we want him to be okay, right?" To which Volumnia is all, "The bloodier the better." Like I said, weird.

So Coriolanus is back and being honored by all the powerful people and his mom is all, "Here's your chance to move up politically." But Coriolanus hates this idea because it involves putting himself on display and basically begging for votes from the plebes. Who, as I mentioned, he considers to be a waste of space. But he's a momma's boy so he does what his mother tells him and we have a whole scene of him showing off his battle scars (literally) to the commoners and trying not to absolutely blow his top while his friend Menenius (the only person in the whole play who is actually a reasonable and likable human being) is trying to get him to keep it together and not to lose it on these citizens. 

He ends up getting the people's support—almost not—but before he can even take his place as a consul, these two other guys, Brutus and Sicinius who have hated him from the beginning, stir the people up into a riot against him. Honestly, I can't really blame the people because Coriolanus is such a stuck-up jerk—definitely not Prom King material—but why Brutus and Sicinius care so much is a little beyond me. Jealous losers.

At this point, Coriolanus finally loses his barely controlled temper and not only does he rip the Romans a new one, he goes off to such an extent that he gets himself banished. He comes back with the very mature, "NO, I BANISH ROME FROM MY PRESENCE." Good one, bro. 

So what does he do? He goes to Tullus Aufidius (his mortal enemy, remember?) and says he wants to wreck Rome now and will T.A. help him do it? Because that seems like a reasonable response and nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan, right?

T.A. says sure, let's go right now. 

So Coriolanus is now marching against Rome and the Romans are in a panic because for all his faults, we've already established that Coriolanus can kick some serious butt in a fight. So all his friends are going to him trying to talk him out of this madness. But obviously, he's not hearing any of it. So the Romans are like, "Get his mom." 

I mean, good move. 

So Volumnia goes to her son, taking Virgilia and Coriolanus' son with her, and they have this whole back and forth where Coriolanus is basically all, "There is nothing you can say that will keep me from burning Rome to the ground." And even his kid is like, "If you do this, my entire goal in life will be to grow up and fight you myself." Which Coriolanus doesn't really seem to care about, but his mom finally talks him out of it (momma's boy, remember?) and Coriolanus succeeds in making peace between the Romans and the Volscians. 

So now the Romans and the Volscians are loving him and old T.A. is not happy about it. Coriolanus returns to the Volscian capital and obviously there's a big to-do, but T.A.'s buddies aren't having any of it and publicly assassinate Coriolanus. 

I mean, he kindof had it coming. I know this is supposed to be a tragedy but are we sad about this?

Once Coriolanus is dead, T.A. all of a sudden gets a conscience and is all, "This is sad. I'm sorry. Let's give him a proper send-off." And they all pick up his body and carry him out. And that's the end. 

lol

Coriolanus was a very engaging play and I read it pretty quickly, but it was also a little confusing because I wasn't sure if I was supposed to like Coriolanus or not. As I said, no one in the play was remotely sufferable except for Menenius so whenever Menenius was giving a reasonable defense of Coriolanus, I was like, "okay, maybe he's not the worst guy ever" but then as soon as Coriolanus himself showed up I was like, "No I definitely hate that guy." So basically I'm a plebeian. Ha! What I'm coming to realize about Shakespeare (and maybe I've said this before) is that the only difference between his tragedies and his comedies are that everyone dies in the tragedies. Sometimes his comedies are very sad, and a lot of the time his tragedies are hilarious, but the difference is just whether or not people die. So when I pick up Shakespeare, I'm never sure what I'm going to get. And that's fun. 

Let's Bust a Recap : Two Gentlemen of Verona

Two Gentlemen of Verona?? More like One Gentleman and One Scumbag of Verona. This is one of the Bard's earliest plays, and oh boy, what a doozy. 

We open on young Valentine gearing up to leave Verona to expand his horizons in Milan and trying to talk his best buddy Proteus into joining him. But Proteus doesn't want to leave his ladylove behind, not to mention he's a lame lazybones who can't be bothered to expand any horizons. 

So Valentine is all, "Hope your life is awesome. Peace out."

But then Proteus' dad is all, "You better get your good-for-nothing behind up and go see the world and quit embarrassing me, you massive disappointment." So then we have to listen to Proteus and his main squeeze Julia go on and on with much sighings and tears and swearing their love eternal to one another. Including exchanging rings and vows. 

Have you already guessed who the scumbag is and who the gentleman is? Hint: Proteus is the scumbag and I hate him. 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. 

So Proteus follows Valentine literally the very next day accompanied by his servant Launce and Shakespeare's most famous dog Crab. 

(Let me just tell you that Launce and Crab provide a lot of comic relief throughout the play but since Crab's role is entirely non-speaking—what with him being a dog and all—and their bits not having much to do with the main plot: it's hard to translate here. Suffice it to say, we love Crab.)

Apparently within this twenty-four hour window, Valentine has gotten to Milan and fallen hopelessly in love with Silvia who is a total smokeshow but unfortunately promised by her father to sad sack Thurio. She obviously has zero interest in actually marrying Thurio, and she and Valentine have started making plans to run away together. 

In one day. Oh to be young and to feel love's keen sting. 

But then Proteus shows up and immediately falls for Silvia too. You know, the Proteus that just yesterday swore eternal love to Julia? Yeah. Same guy. He has like, a moment's pause over the fact that he's basically stabbing both Valentine, his best friend, and Julia, his eternal love, in the back, but no worries: he doesn't lose any sleep over it or anything.

Instead, he goes to Silvia's dad and spills the beans on Silvia's and Valentine's entire plan for elopement and gets his best friend banished from Milan. Classy. 

So Valentine is out wandering around in a forest (classic Shakespeare), and runs into a band of outlaws who decide to make him their leader because they're actually a bunch of standup guys and Valentine is the most upstanding of all standup guys there ever was. 

Back in Verona, Julia is wasting away missing Proteus and decides to dress up like a boy and go to Milan to be with him. Because can we have Shakespeare without any crossdressing? No we cannot. She gets there just in time to discover her eternal love serenading his love to fair Silvia who, by the way, has not given him the time of day. 

Silvia may be my favorite Shakespearean heroine of all time. Definitely in recent years. 

But does Julia give Proteus the what-for and leave that little git forever? Obviously not. The only course of action is to become his pageboy and torture herself. Naturally. 

Proteus gives Sebastian—the boy name Julia has chosen for herself—her own ring to take to Silvia, but Silvia does give him the what-for and tells him exactly what he can do with himself. 

Did I mention we love Silvia?

Silvia finally runs away into the forest to get away from her awful dad and sad sack Thurio but is immediately taken prisoner by the outlaws. As they're taking her back to Valentine, Proteus "rescues" her, and continues laying it on thick. Unbeknownst to Proteus though, Valentine is watching the whole thing. When Silvia still won't give it up to him, Proteus makes to rape her at which point Valentine steps in and is all, "You treacherous bastard, how dare you?!" But Proteus immediately pedals it back and is all, "I'm the most disgusting person to have ever lived." And Valentine is all, "Oh good, you get it too."

But then...forgives him and wishes him a good life? 

Like, Valentine, come on. 

And then Julia swoons and everyone realizes she's Julia and not some boy named Sebastian, and Proteus suddenly remembers that she's his one true love and they get back together. 

Oh Julia. Grow a spine, sis. 

Then Silvia's dad and Thurio show up. Thurio claims Silvia for his wife, but Valentine is all, "Try me. I will end you where you stand." 

I'm sorry, where was this attitude when Proteus was literally about to rape her?? But I digress.

Thurio immediately backs off because hellooo: sad sack.

Silvia's dad finally realizes what a loser Thurio is and how great Valentine is and consents to Silvia's marriage to Valentine. He also un-banishes all the outlaws. And they all live happily ever after. Except I guess for Thurio. 

Like, what? I was really with Valentine until he didn't immediately castrate Proteus when Proteus tried to force himself on Silvia. And Julia, really?

But that's Shakespeare for ya. At least we got Crab. And one heroine who actually ends up with a good guy if we overlook his easy forgiveness of the most reprehensible human ever. I mean, no one's perfect. 

Next up on my mission to read Shakespeare's complete works: Coriolanus in August. Maybe I'll get a recap up before four whole months go by. No promises. 

Let's Bust a Recap : Romeo and Juliet

"For never was a story of more woe

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

Shakespeare two weeks in a row?! Yes indeedy, we are getting caught up around here. As I mentioned back in February when I finally recapped The Tempest, I totally skipped blogging the Bard last year and do I really even need to recap Romeo and Juliet anyway? 

This won't be a full-on recap like most of my Shakespeare posts. Romeo and Juliet is undoubtedly old Shakie's most famous play of all time and if you don't know the most basic plot, then I cry for the education system. 

Montagues and Capulets, feuding families, star-cross'd lovers, suicide, reconciliation. 

I first read this play in Ms. Sterling's freshman English honors course in high school which means I was a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed fourteen year old. Older than Juliet, I might point out. 

She assigned parts and as a class we read the entire play out loud and discussed it ad nauseam. I loved that class. I think every high schooler should read Romeo and Juliet. 

When I set out to read everything Shakespeare ever wrote, I decided I would definitely re-read Romeo and Juliet and Julius Caesar in the course of my endeavor and 2023 ended up being the year I revisited R&J. 

Like I said, I won't rewrite the entire play, but if you're one of the ones I'm crying for: Romeo Montague falls in love Juliet Capulet...but their families hate each other. They secretly get married, but through a series of unfortunate events, end up killing themselves, at which point their families realize the devastation of their petty feud and reconcile. 

A few things I want to harp on after re-reading the play last year: Romeo is hardcore in l-o-v-e with fair Rosaline and is bemoaning his unrequited condition literally two seconds before he sees Juliet and falls head over heels for her instead.

What a catch.

Juliet, as previously mentioned, is THIRTEEN. Like, I get that this is some 16th century nonsense, but bruh. Sis has barely hit puberty. I can't with this. Like, is this even a tragic "love story" or is this just a tragic case of total parental neglect?? I'm just saying is all.

What I really want to talk about is the fever dream of a film adaptation I watched a few weeks ago starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes that hit our theaters hot back in 1996. I thought for sure I had seen this movie in high school shortly after reading the play, but upon revisiting it I'm not so sure. I think I would have remembered it, but maybe I completely blocked it because wow. 

Wow, wow, wow.

It seems to me that this is the definitive film adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, at least of my generation, and I kid you not that the vibe was exactly the stuff of my real-life nightmares. This is an award-winning film, y'all. It's like some 90s, south Miami, gang crap—but all in the original Shakespearean English—and the only thing going for it was the incredibly believable chemistry between the absolutely adorable Claire and Leo. I guess I should have expected nothing less from something that was directed, produced, and co-written by Baz Luhrmann but it's going to take me a while to get over it. 

This is really all I have to say about Romeo and Juliet. In point of fact, you need to read it for yourself, or better yet, see it on stage. Despite my poking fun at it, it's a true masterpiece. 

Let's Bust a Recap : Timon of Athens

After pretty much skipping July and August here on ye olde blog, am I jumping back into it with a Shakespearean recap?! You bet your sweet petunias I am, and this will be an easy one because Timon of Athens was a short, straightforward play so let's just knock this one out and hopefully get back in a rhythm around here. 

We open on a lavish banquet and some artists talking about gifts they will be giving to our titular Timon. Timon is like, the most generous guy in all of Athens and we quickly learn that he will spare no expense to show all his friends how much they mean to him. He's doling out jewelry and horses and gold left and right and everyone is singing his praises. 

Except for his steward, Flavius, who is stressing out major, and a cynical philosopher named Apemantus who acts like it is his full time job to be a professional party pooper. 

Well, naturally, all Timon's creditors decide it's time to collect and his bills all come due at once. Which is bad news because he is beyond broke and there is no way out of the hole he has dug himself. He quickly turns on Flavius, berating him for not handling things better and letting him know what a mess he was in.

To which Flavius is all, "My guy, you have got to be kidding me, there is no talking to you."

And then Timon is like, "Okay, no worries, I'll just ask my dear friends to help me out, they'll do anything for me."

(We can all see right where this is going, right?)

Timon's servants approach his friends, asking them to loan Timon some money. First up: Lucullus.

Lucullus is all excited to see one of Timon's servants rolling up because he's expecting a gift which would typically be par for the course. But when he realizes Timon is hitting him up for something, he tries to bribe the servant to say he never actually talked to Lucullus. The servant, who actually loves Timon, tells Lucullus what he can do with his money and leaves. 

Next up: Lucius (which, yes, is a very similar name to Lucullus, whyyyy?)

Lucius is talking to some random guys about how great Timon is and they're all, "Oh yeah, I heard he's pretty hard up for money right now." Lucius: "Surely not Timon." Random guys: "Oh for sure, and his other friends have straight up refused to help him out." Lucius: "They are wrong for that, I would never turn my back on Timon." At which exact moment, one of Timon's servants ask Lucius for help and Lucius—in front of the guys he was just telling he would lend Timon money in a heartbeat—looks straight in the servant's face and says, "Oh I wish I could but I was actually just about to ask Timon for a loan myself and please tell him I would if I could but I can't so I won't." 

The nerve.

Now we're gonna go try Sempronius. This one's my favorite. 

When Timon's servant approaches Sempronius, Sempronius is all, "Why's he asking me? He should have tried his other friends who are richer than me. They definitely owe him big time and they've got the means to help him out." To which the servant is like, "We asked and they all rejected us." To which Sempronius looks right back at them and says, "What? Timon came to me last? If he had come to me first I definitely would have helped him but since he doesn't think better of me than to come to me first, I won't be bothered with him at all." 

Are you kidding me?

So the servants come back to Timon and inform him that his so-called "friends" are all low-down, good-for-nothings. Timon rages at this and then tells Flavius to go invite all these guys back to his house for another banquet. To which Flavius is like, "Uhhh, do you not understand what's going on? You're B-R-O-K-E." But Timon's like, "Don't worry about the expense, just get those losers over here."

And these guys, after all flippantly dismissing Timon's pleas for help, have the audacity to roll back up to his crib for another party thinking everything's all fine and probably they're going to come in to some more gifts because what? This was all a joke? 

In the meantime, one of Timon's friends, a general named Alcibiades, is meeting with the Senate who is banishing him from Athens. He's obviously a bit upset about this and after some back and forth, vows to take his revenge on Athens.

But back to Timon's party.

His "friends" all show up, ready for a good time. Timon brings out covered dishes for everyone and when they are all ready to dig in, has them uncovered to show bowls of lukewarm water and nothing else. To which his "friends" are all, "What the heck, man?" And Timon is like, "I hope you all rot in hell!" throws the water in their faces, and storms out.

Flavius and the other servants, who are the only level-headed, decent people in this entire play, then have a meeting and agree to split everything they have between them equally and go in peace while Flavius vows to find Timon whatever it takes and loyally care for him no matter what.

Timon, meanwhile, has set up camp in a cave outside Athens and is living on roots which, in digging up, he has discovered a literal gold mine. 

Like, he's sitting on a pile of actual gold.

But he hates all of humanity now and he's just out here, digging in the dirt, railing against the world. 

Alcibiades shows up with a couple of loose women and we get a colorful exchange wherein Timon tells Alcibiades to drop dead and tells the whores they're full of STDs. 

I kid you not.

When Alcibiades tells Timon of his plan to get revenge on all of Athens, Timon gives him a bunch of gold and tells him to level the city, and tells the women to go infect everyone with their venereal diseases. 

Good stuff.

So Alcibiades and his ladies leave with their gold and then Apemantus shows up and wants to know why Timon is trying to copy him and be the world's worst party pooper. So they just go back and forth for a while about how much they hate everything. 

Okay...?

Then a bunch of other randos come out looking for Timon and all this gold he's rumored to have and we get some more scathing commentary from Timon each time someone shows up.

But then Flavius finally finds him, and even though Timon at first continues his whole mad-at-the-world routine, he realizes Flavius is an honest-to-goodness good guy and gives him a bunch of the gold. 

Then the Senators who banished Alcibiades show up asking Timon to pretty please go talk Alcibiades out of wrecking Athens. To which Timon is like, "Go hang yourselves."

And then Timon just....dies in the wilderness. 

Alcibiades shows up ready to burn down Athens and the Senators literally beg him to only kill the people who deserve it. Then a soldier shows up saying he found Timon's grave and they read Timon's pathetic epitaph and Alcibiades agrees to only dole out justice to the people who deserve it: the end. 

So...there's that. Once you get into it, Timon of Athens is an easy play to read, but the ending is pretty lackluster. There's a lot of debate surrounding the authorship of this one. Some think Timon was Shakespeare's last play and that he never completed it. A lot of people think the Bard coauthored the play with Thomas Middleton. We'll probably never know for sure, but overall, Timon of Athens, despite the dull ending, ranks higher for me than some of Shakespeare's other work. It was a fun one, and I'd recommend it. 

I think we're down to just four comedies and four tragedies left! On deck for 2025: Two Gentlemen of Verona and Coriolanus. 

Let's Bust a Recap : The Merchant of Venice

Look at me, coming through on my promise and posting my recap of The Merchant of Venice just three weeks after my recent recap of The Tempest. Are we proud of me? Are we? 

But all joking aside, The Merchant of Venice is a doozy and even though I don't usually do this, we're going to talk about some pretty problematic elements of the play before we get into it. I'm not the most politically correct person living my life out here, but even I was a bit uncomfortable reading about poor Shylock and did I Google "was Shakespeare an anti-Semite?" upon completing my reading of this play? Yes. Yes I did. 

Debate still exists to this day on whether or not The Merchant of Venice is, at its core, anti-Semitic, but after reading it for myself, I'm coming down hard on the side of: it DEFINITELY is. Forcing Shylock to convert to Christianity was the final nail in the coffin. If that hadn't been his unfortunate end, I might not feel so strongly about it, but yikes. This play is not a good look for Shakespeare no matter how we try to spin it. It shouldn't even have to be said but let me just go on record right now and say anti-Semitism is awful and has led to horrible crimes against humanity. I will not tolerate it and would appreciate you keeping that in mind as you read the rest of this post. 

Are we clear? Do you feel me? The unfortunate nature of Shylock's character aside, I enjoyed The Merchant of Venice and I'm ready to get into it. 

The play opens on sad sack Antonio (our titular merchant of Venice) moaning about how depressed he is for no good reason to two of his buddies who are trying to cheer him up but are finally just like, "Peace out, bro, you're a total drag." Right as they're leaving, Bassanio arrives to hit up Antonio for some cash because he's broke as a joke and needs some capital to go woo Portia, this total hottie that he's completely in love with. And Antonio is all, "Of course, my guy. I don't have the cash, but I'll figure it out and set you up, no problem." 

Meanwhile on Portia's estate, she and her maid Nerissa are busy roasting all the suitors who have recently come trying to wife Portia up. As it turns out, Portia's dead dad left a twisted little caveat in his will requiring any marriage prospects she has to choose one of three caskets he left behind, and if they manage to choose the one with Portia's picture inside, they can marry her. 

Because that seems reasonable. 

But the crazy apparently doesn't fall far from the tree because Portia has one-upped her dad by also requiring any aspiring suitor to promise never to marry at all if they don't get to marry her. So right off the bat, we know Portia likes to play mind games. Like, sis is not a catch. Why are all these guys losing their minds over her?

Back in Venice, Bassanio and Antonio are making a deal with the Jewish moneylender Shylock to get a loan that Antonio will repay once his ships come in. Shylock hates Antonio because Antonio is basically a horrible human being, but agrees to loan the money to Bassanio on the condition that if Antonio can't pay up on time, Shylock can take a pound of his flesh instead. (His heart, guys, he totally wants to carve Antonio's heart out of his chest and watch him die. Kindof psycho, but okay.) Bassanio feels some kind of way about this, but Antonio assures him it's all good so Bassanio skips off with the cash to go court Portia. 

So that's Act I. 

In Act II there is a lot going on and Shakespeare is setting a lot of stuff up so try to stick with me here. 

First of all, the Prince of Morocco has shown up seeking Portia's hand in marriage so she takes him to the three caskets—one gold, one silver, one lead—and he picks the gold one, but inside is a skull and a note that says "All that glisters is not gold." Bummer, dude. 

We also have a scene with Shylock's servant Launcelot who gives a whole speech about how awful Shylock is and how he wants to run away from him. We get it, Shakespeare, Shylock is your villain. (But is he, though?)

We also meet Shylock's daughter Jessica in Act II, and she piles on even more with how she's ashamed to be her father's daughter and how she hopes her beloved Lorenzo will keep his promise to marry her so she can become a Christian instead of being stuck as a filthy Jew. (Like, wow. Okay already.) She commissions Launcelot to take a letter to Lorenzo secretly detailing a plan of how they can run away together. 

So, it gets a little muddy through this part with all the details of a masque that's happening that night, but basically Lorenzo gets the letter and then goes and gets Jessica who is dressed as a boy—shocker. Can we even have a Shakespearean comedy that doesn't involve cross-dressing? She's embarrassed about how she looks, but Lorenzo is all, "No baby, you're still hot to me." Neither of them have any shame whatsoever about stealing a bunch of Shylock's gold and precious jewels though. Whatever.

Back at Portia's, the Prince of Belmont is next in line to play "Pick the Casket" and he chooses the silver one. Inside is a mirror. You're out, my guy. (I should add at this point that each coffin has a message on top and the silver one is basically "if you open this you get what you deserve" which makes the mirror thing pretty funny actually.)

So that's pretty much all the important stuff for Act II. Oh, except for the fact that when Shylock discovers his daughter has run off with Lorenzo, he's more concerned about the gold she took than the fact that she ran off. More stereotypical profiling, blah blah.

In Act III, we learn that all Antonio's ships are lost and he's not going to be able to pay back Shylock. His friends are with Shylock and ask him if he really plans to take a pound of flesh from Antonio. Shylock's like, "For sure." And they're like, "Yeah, but what good will it do you?" To which he responds, "I'll use it to bait fish." Stone cold, my man. Antonio's friends keep pressing him to which he gives an impassioned, and kind of beautiful, monologue about how he's human too and Antonio has always treated him like scum so why shouldn't he have his revenge. (This monologue is why the whole anti-Semitism debate exists. Is Shylock a sympathetic character or not??)

Back to Portia: Bassanio has shown up and is ready to play "Pick the Casket" but Portia is reluctant to let him because she actually likes him. He's all, "No, let's do this mother because putting it off is torture." She contemplates cheating, but finally decides against it and takes him to the caskets. He picks the lead one and everyone is happy that he gets to marry Portia. She gives him a ring and tells him never to lose it or it will ruin their marriage. Nerissa marries his buddy Gratiano and follows suit giving him a ring of her own. (Do you remember how we talked about Portia playing mind games? Remember this bit about the rings.) They're all partying hard when Lorenzo and Jessica show up with a letter telling them how Antonio is in jail and probably going to die because Shylock's ready to make good on their deal to take a pound of Antonio's flesh. Portia basically offers her entire fortune to her new husband Bassanio to go save Antonio's life. (And now we know why all these men were trying for her hand: sis is loaded.)

So Bassanio and Gratiano leave to try to rescue Antonio while Portia leaves her estate in the care of Lorenzo and Jessica telling them she's going to a monastery to pray for her husband. As if. Naturally, she has come up with a plan for her and Nerissa to dress up as men and go to the trial themselves. And then we have like a whole page of Portia bragging about what a hot guy she is. So there's that.

Meanwhile in Venice, Antonio is in prison and Shylock is vowing to cut his heart out. Everyone's like, "The duke will not stand for this!" But Shylock is all, "He better uphold the law or Venice will riot." I mean, Shylock is not wrong, you guys. He's psycho, but he's not wrong. 

There is also a completely random scene in Act III where Launcelot is teasing Jessica about how awful it is that she's a Jew and it'd be better if Shylock wasn't her dad to which she responds that then she'd be a bastard and have just as much reason to be ashamed of her mom. Like a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't type thing, and then Lorenzo walks in and informs Launcelot that he got some poor girl in Venice knocked up before he left. Which has nothing to do with anything, y'all. Like, sheesh. 

But moving on to Act IV. 

Now we're at court and every single person in the play is begging Shylock for mercy and he is like, "I will have my revenge." Bassanio has offered literally any amount of money to pay off Antonio's debt but Shylock is not having it. Antonio has given up all hope of living through this. And then a young doctor of the law (aka Portia) and his clerk (aka Nerissa) show up to judge the case. Portia then proceeds to also ask Shylock for mercy—he continues to adamantly refuse—and then she gives a speech about how the court cannot force Shylock to show mercy. They have to cut out Antonio's heart. 

Shylock is all, "Finally."

Then as he is literally pulling out his knife to carve out Antonio's heart, Portia pipes up with, "If you spill one drop of his blood, you are a dead man." 

What?! 

She points out that the bond states he can have a pound of flesh, but it said nothing about blood and if Shylock—a foreigner—sheds one drop of Antonio's blood—a native Venetian—then the law says the state can confiscate all his land and goods. 

Bruh.

So Shylock gives it up and says, "Fine, I'll take the money instead." To which Portia is all, "Nah, bro, you already publicly refused that offer." And, to add insult to injury, since they just proved that Shylock did all this as a plot against Antonio's life, the state can confiscate all his goods anyway. According to the law. 

Antonio then tells Shylock that if he promises to leave everything to his daughter Jessica when he dies and if he will convert to Christianity, then he can keep his stuff. To which the duke then adds, "Take the deal or die." 

So I mean, Shylock takes the deal. Woof.

But that's not all. Next, we have Antonio and Bassanio and Gratiano basically groveling at Portia and Nerissa's feet asking how can they ever repay them, and naturally, they ask for the rings from Bassanio and Gratiano. At first, Bassanio is like, "No, my wife made me promise to keep this ring forever." but then he gives it to Portia (in disguise as a man, remember?) anyway. 

So as Act V opens, we see Lorenzo and Jessica basically in the middle of a game no-I-love-YOU-more when everyone shows back up. Portia and Nerissa mess with their husbands heads for a while before finally revealing the whole story and then they all live happily ever after. Except for poor Shylock who has been done dirty once again by all these insane Italians. Even Antonio gets news that all his ships are actually safe so he's rich again. 

I mean.....yikes, yikes, yikes. If Shylock's ancestry had been left out of it and he was just your basic bad guy, this would have been a super-fun play, but as it is? I just can't. Shakespeare, my guy, what's up?

Have you ever seen or read The Merchant of Venice? What's your take? Do you think Shakespeare meant for Shylock to be a sympathetic, nuanced villain, or was Willy just a straight-up hater?

Let's Bust a Recap : The Tempest

February has come and gone and come again and that means I'm a full year overdue for everyone's favorite playwright, Willy Shakes. And consequently, that means it is also way past time for a new favorite blog post from yours truly. Because if there's any consistent feedback I've gotten since starting this blog, it's that you people are here for the Bard. So let me just apologize here and now for completely skipping the Shakespeare posts in 2023. Let's see if I can take a page from Prospero's book and conjure you up a good one today.

We open on a gnarly storm with a ship floundering at sea carrying Alonso the king of Naples and a bunch of his nobles. The ship is coming apart fast and the king and his son are literally begging God to spare them while the duke, Antonio, is busy cursing the ship's captain and crew for bringing them all to their deaths. As if they can control the weather. Or want to die anymore than anyone else on this ship. 

Like, seriously, calm down Antonio.

But as it turns out, this isn't any ordinary storm. The next scene takes us to a nearby island where Antonio's brother Prospero has been living for the last twelve years with his daughter Miranda. As it turns out, that creep Antonio usurped his brother's position as Duke of Milan and had the king banish him. Prospero is, naturally, a powerful sorcerer and has conjured up this storm to take revenge on all his enemies. He has enslaved the island's only inhabitant, Caliban, and also a spirit called Ariel to do his bidding. So, I mean really, Prospero isn't the greatest guy either. Maybe Antonio wasn't that far off-base in having him banished. Poor Miranda, though, am I right? Sis is just caught in the crosshairs of a battle of toxic masculinity. Bless her.

Anyway, the ship wrecks on the island according to plan, and, using his magic, Prospero splits up the survivors into groups on the island to carry out his vengeful plans. Oh and the captain and crew are put into a magical sleep until the end of the play because we can't be bothered with them. We have enough characters to keep track of as it is. 

First up, we have Ferdinand, the king's son who is stranded by himself so that Prospero can pick him up and manipulate him into an engagement with his fifteen year old daughter Miranda all the while lecturing them both about the value of chastity. Pretty rich coming from him. 

Then we have the court jester and the majordomo who run into Caliban and offer us our "comic relief" in the play by bumbling around the island together plotting their own little rebellion against Prospero. Like that's going to work out.

Next we have the group of lords including the traitorous king (Alonso), Prospero's backstabbing brother (Antonio), the king's brother (Sebastian), Gonzalo (an old counsellor who's just doing the best he can out here), and a couple of other lords who I didn't really care about. Basically, Antonio convinces Sebastian that they should try to kill Alonso so that Sebastian can become king. What good this is going to do them seeing as they are stranded on a desert island is anyone's guess, but the general idea is: everyone is plotting evil against everyone else. Except for poor old Gonzalo and the two young lovers Ferdinand and Miranda. 

Ariel comes and torments Alonso, Antonio, and Sebastian until they feel so guilty for their crimes against Prospero and each other that they all run off to wander around until we need them again in the play.

Act IV is basically Prospero instructing the island spirits to put on a masque celebrating the betrothal of Ferdinand and Miranda—while simultaneously continuing the lecture about staying chaste until the actual wedding—but it gets cut off when Prospero remembers that there are three dopes running around the island plotting to kill him. So there's that.

Prospero orders Ariel to bring the nobles to him so we can have our big showdown. Ariel, by the way, has been begging Prospero the whole play to set him free and Prospero once again promises that once Ariel does everything he wants him to do, he will finally set him free. (I had my doubts that Ariel would ever be free of Prospero, but don't worry: he actually is free by the end of the play.) So Ariel sets off to do Prospero's bidding. In the meantime, Caliban, Trinculo, and Stephano are chased into the swamp by goblins. 

Ariel shows back up with the nobles and Prospero promptly forgives them. What?! What have we even been doing here this whole time? They basically restore Prospero to his rightful position as Duke of Milan. Ariel fetches everyone else and Caliban basically tucks tail and promises to be good, Prospero sends Trinculo and Stephano away in shame, Ariel is charged with blessing them with good weather for the return trip home, and they all leave. Ariel is finally free of Prospero, and Miranda and Ferdinand go on planning their happily ever after. Prospero asks us, the audience, to free him by our applause and the play is over. 

The Tempest is probably one of the last plays Shakespeare wrote and it's kindof a mess, but it was fun nonetheless. I read it in a day. It's an easy one to read, but it wouldn't be the first comedy I'd direct you to if you're going to read Shakespeare. It falls in the class with some of his other late plays which don't fit neatly into either the comic or tragic categories so it just feels like there is a lot going on the whole time. If it were up to me, I'd take Miranda and Ferdinand out of it entirely and let all those crazy guys die on the island with their plotting and scheming. But that's Shakespeare for you. 

Next up is The Merchant of Venice which I'll probably read this weekend, and I promise I won't wait another year to post a recap of it!

Let's Bust a Recap : Antony and Cleopatra

Oh boy, time for more Shakespeare. This year's tragedy was Antony and Cleopatra, and I think next year we're going to hit either our re-read of Julius Caesar or Romeo and Juliet because I've had a tough time with the last two tragedies I've read, and I need next year's to be a winner. But we'll circle back to this at the end of today's post. 

So Antony and Cleopatra...where to begin? We open our play to learn that Antony has got it bad for Cleopatra and has neglected all his responsibilities to be at her beck and call 24/7. Like, he's off sleeping with Cleopatra in Alexandria and letting Rome go to pot and not caring two figs that his wife Fulvia died after rebelling against Octavius. 

But Octavius is all, "Enough of that. You need to get it together and come help me put down some pirates that are wreaking havoc around here." Naturally, Cleopatra doesn't want her boy-toy to leave her, and we get a lot of angsty back and forth between her and Antony about him leaving. 

But he does, in fact, leave.

He meets up with Octavius and Lepidus (the two other guys in charge of Rome), and they agree to set aside their differences to deal with the pirates. While everyone's feeling good about each other, Octavius' general Agrippa suggests Antony should marry Octavius' sister to keep everybody friendly. 

This is obviously a terrible idea, but of course, they do it because Antony has no qualms about being monogamous or anything ridiculous like that. Enobarbus (Antony's right hand man) is the only one who sees the absolute trainwreck that is about to ensue because he knows there's no way Antony is giving up what he has with Cleopatra, and he famously details Cleopatra's irresistible charms saying:

        "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale

        Her infinite variety: other women cloy

        The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry

        Where most she satisfies."

Then we have a scene with a soothsayer who warns Antony that he will for sure lose if he ever tries to fight Octavius which is important because foreshadowing. 

Meanwhile, back in Egypt, Cleopatra finds out about Antony's marriage to Octavia and she throws a royal hissy fit wherein all her lackeys assure her that she is gorgeous and Octavia is garbage. Which calms her down. Not in time to save the messenger from some serious abuse, but who cares about him, right?

Then we have a big confusing mess wherein Antony, Octavius, and Lepidus (the three guys in charge of Rome, remember?) end up not fighting the pirates and making a deal with Pompey (one of the pirates) that he can keep his land as long as he flips on the other pirates and also he has to send tributes to them. To which the other pirates are all, "Bro, why don't you just wreck these guys and take over Rome?" But Pompey's all, "Nah, that wouldn't be cool." And then there's this big drunken party, but then Octavius and Lepidus (without Antony's knowledge or approval) attack Pompey anyway. 

So why did we even just go through all that?

Antony heads back to Alexandria and crowns himself and Cleopatra as rulers of Egypt and his share of Rome and also complains to Octavius that he owes Antony more land from his recent war with Pompey. Oh, and he's not happy that Octavius kicked Lepidus out of the triumvirate and threw him in jail.

 

You see what's happening, right? Too many cooks in the kitchen.

Octavius is like, "You go ahead and be king of Egypt, but that's it, kiddo." To which Antony is like, "It's go time, son."

So they're gearing up for a showdown, and Antony's people are like, "You will lose at sea; fight on land." But Antony's all, "Octavius dared me to fight at sea, and I'm no sissy." And Cleopatra chimes in with, "My whole navy is yours."

But then they go to battle and Cleopatra runs away with her fleet of ships and Antony follows her leaving all his men behind to get slaughtered. Which he's a little embarrassed about, but hey, the kisses of Cleopatra are worth it.

Yikes, bro.

Octavius ends up sending a messenger to Cleopatra asking her to give up Antony, and she starts FLIRTING WITH THE MESSENGER which, naturally, Antony walks in on. He rages for about two seconds and then forgives her and promises to fight another battle for her, this time on land.

At this point, Enobarbus who is pretty much the only guy that's been unreservedly #TeamAntony this whole play is finally like, "I'm out." And heads over to Octavius' side. But Antony just gathers all Enobarbus' stuff and sends it to him with a "No hard feelings, my man." Which kills Enobarbus because he's so ashamed of his own disloyalty. Literally. He dies.

Antony loses the battle. (Foreshadowing, remember?) And then he has a major temper tantrum and swears off Cleopatra because this is all obviously her fault and only hers.

Cleopatra decides that the way to win Antony back is to send a message to him that she killed herself, dying with his name on her lips. So she goes and locks herself up in her tower and waits for him to come rushing back to her.

Bad move, sis.

When Antony gets the message, he decides his life isn't worth living anymore and he begs his boy Eros to kill him. But Eros won't do it, and instead kills himself. Which Antony thinks is just the most honorable and brave thing he's ever seen so he tries to kill himself too. 

Except he's an idiot and only manages to mortally wound himself. 

So he's sitting there bleeding out when he finds out Cleopatra isn't even dead. They hoist him up to her in her little tower and he dies in her arms.

Is it over? Not yet.

Cleopatra has now been placed under a Roman guard since Egypt has been defeated by Octavius and she tries to kill herself, but the guard gets the dagger away from her in time. Octavius shows up and is all, "No worries, we're going to treat you right." But one of Octavius' own men is like, "Nah, sis, he is going to parade you around like a caged animal." 

So then we get a lot of Cleopatra being bitter, envisioning her humiliating life under the rule of Octavius. And then she pulls a poisonous asp out of her basket and kills herself by having it bite her. Her two servants die too. Octavius finds them all there and feels kinda bad. But not really all that bad because now he's free to become the first Roman emperor aka take over the world. So he gives her a nice funeral. The end. 

I mean, holy moly. I think we all know that Shakespeare is the king of dysfunctional relationships, but Antony and Cleopatra take it to the next level. They are equally screwed up, and it's wild. This play was difficult to get through just because there's sooo much jumping around. All Shakespeare's plays were obviously meant to be seen on the stage, but this one in particular needs to be seen acted out, not just read in my living room with me trying to keep track of where everyone is and who's loyal to who. Antony and Cleopatra has one of Shakespeare's biggest casts and keeping everyone in line gets a little tricky. I was constantly flipping back to the cast list to figure out who was who.

That being said, this one was way better than Troilus and Cressida and I would recommend giving it a go with the caveat that it would be best read in as few sittings as possible so you're not lost every time you come back to it. Which is really true of all Shakespeare's plays if we're being honest. 

Anyway, circling back to the beginning of this post, I think next year I'll be reading Romeo and Juliet. My ultimate goal is to read Shakespeare's entire body of work. I read Romeo and Juliet and Julius Caesar in high school and thoroughly enjoyed them both, but when I undertook to read all of Shakespeare, I decided that I would re-read those as an adult as part of this undertaking. I've been saving them for when I need a win, and I think the time has come. We're officially down to six comedies and six tragedies, so let's just keep this train rollin'! 

Let's Bust a Recap : Measure for Measure

Well, it's high time for some more Shakespeare around here and this year's choice for a comedy was Measure for Measure though this turned out to be another of Shakespeare's "problem plays" meaning it read more tragic than comedic. As I got deeper and deeper into the madness, I felt like Measure for Measure was a definite tragedy on par with Othello, but I guess since no one dies in the end, the First Folio people gave it the comedy stamp and so it remains to this day.

We open upon Duke Vincentio of Vienna cutting out and leaving the kingdom in the self-righteous iron fists of Angelo. Apparently, Vincentio has let things go to pot and Angelo has taken it upon himself to restore order starting with arresting Claudio and sentencing him to death for getting his girlfriend pregnant. 

Only Claudio is actually a pretty upstanding guy and everyone is outraged that he's on death row. Vienna is one big party town and unlike most of the philandering men around the block, Claudio is a one-woman man and the only reason Juliet isn't already his wife is because of a legal technicality. Like, basically they're just waiting on the paperwork to clear. 

When Claudio's friend Lucio finds out what's happened, he rushes off to find Claudio's sister Isabella who is in a convent on the brink of becoming a full-fledged nun. He begs her to go to Angelo and get her brother off the hook. Why Isabella is the only qualified candidate for this job, I'm still not sure, but away she goes to try to talk sense into Angelo.

She and Angelo get into it, and evidently, Isabella is so super-fine that Angelo can barely contain himself and by the end of their debate, he tells Isabella that he'll let Claudio off and lasso her the moon and anything else she wants if she'll just sleep with him one time. 

You see what's happening here, right? He's got Claudio going to the chopping block for the very crime that he's all hot and heavy to commit with Isabella. 

Isabella tells him exactly what he can do to himself and threatens to out him to the entire city; Angelo responds by totally gaslighting her. Because who's going to believe this little girl over Mr. Law-and-Order?

What a scumbag.

Isabella heads straight to her brother in jail and is all, "My dude, say your prayers and man up to meet your Maker because I would rather die myself than give up my innocence." To which Claudio is all, "No doubt, I would kill that guy myself if I wasn't locked up." But after two more seconds changes his tune to, "Would it really be the worst thing?" And Isabella is all, "Get ahold of yourself!"

Meanwhile, some random friar that's been skulking around town and hanging out in the jail overhears everything and takes Isabella aside for a chat. But is it really a random friar? Of course not. It's Duke Vincentio in disguise because he never had any business to attend to out of town. He just wanted to shake off the yoke of responsibility for a while and let Angelo mete out some justice of biblical proportions while he watches undercover, I guess. 

So he pulls Isabella aside and tells her that she should go back to Angelo and agree to do the nasty with him as long as he consents to meet her in the dead of night and keep his mouth shut the whole time. To which Isabella replies, "Does anyone even know what a conscience is?" And then Friar Duke is all, "No, no; we'll send this chick Mariana who's in love with Angelo." And Isabella is all, "Seriously? I wouldn't send any other woman to degrade herself in this way either." But then Friar Duke explains that Mariana is actually Angelo's fiancée and he owes it to her to marry her but has declined to fulfill his commitment ever since her dowry was lost at sea. So Isabella's like, "Oh, I guess it's fine then."

What?!

So Mariana goes off and has her little incognito fling with Angelo.

But then Angelo sends a message to the prison ordering Claudio's execution to commence immediately.

MEGA-SCUMBAG.

When Friar Duke gets word of this, he then concocts a plan to execute some other poor schmuck who looks like Claudio and send his head to Angelo instead. Which they do. And then he tells Isabella (who thinks her brother was just beheaded) and Mariana (who just entrapped Angelo) to go plead their case to the Duke (aka HIMSELF) who's arriving back in town any minute. 

He then does a quick wardrobe change and makes his grand entrance into Vienna. So now we've got a nice little audience for Isabella and Mariana to rat out Sir Scumbag. They air their grievances and Angelo is all, "They're both crazy." And Duke Vincentio is like, "Unless you can present this friar, you're both liars."

At which point of the play I am absolutely raging. 

The duke ducks back out and changes back into his friar disguise so he can come back in and verify everything the girls said. To which Angelo is still like, "Why should anyone believe you?" And then Duke Vincentio pulls of his mask and is all, "Gotcha, sucker."

You'd think that right about now we'd string Angelo up the nearest pole, right?

You'd be wrong. Because he gets to live and be married to Mariana, Claudio shows up (to Isabella's profound gratitude) and gets to live happily ever after with Juliet, and Duke Vincentio ups and proposes marriage to Isabella.

No. NO. NO. No.

First of all, I'm so over Shakespeare's mindless, thirsty women who still want the most despicable men even after those men spit in their very faces. Second of all, Angelo should have burned at the stake. He is so gross.

Isabella does not answer Duke Vincentio's marriage proposal. There's a scripted silence which a lot of people interpret to mean she accepts him, but for the sake of my sanity, I have to believe she turns up her nose, marches her little behind back to the convent, and becomes a nun for the rest of her days. SHE HAS TO, RIGHT?

The only truly comedic elements of this play were the little exchanges between Lucio and the duke wherein Lucio is unwittingly bashing the duke to his face while he's disguised as the friar, and then dogs on the friar to the duke not realizing they're the same person—that's funny. Duke Vincentio ultimately "punishes" him by sentencing him to marry some prostitute he knocked up—ummm, not quite as funny. 

Y'all. I just can't. Like I said at the beginning, this one was a tragedy for me. It made me more mad than Othello, and I could still spit tacks over that abominable ending. Angelo is the worst, Duke Vincentio not much better, and Mariana is on a level with Helena of women who could do better and ought to know it. Geez.

Personally, I'd call this one of Shakespeare's more compelling plays, but don't read it if you're not ready to rail against the universe for a little while. Hopefully next year's comedy will furnish a few more laughs. 

A Word for Wednesday

 "Mine honour keeps the weather of my fate:

Life every man holds dear; but the dear man

Holds honour far more precious dear than life."

~from Troilus and Cressida by William Shakespeare~

Let's Bust a Recap : Troilus and Cressida

It's August and you know what that means: time for a Shakespearean tragedy! This year it was Troilus and Cressida. I thought King Lear had the best bit of name-calling I've read in any of Shakespeare's plays, but he outdid himself in Troilus and Cressida. We couldn't get through a page of this play without some epic putdowns, and I'm always here for that.

In Troilus and Cressida, we basically have two separate stories going on: one which involves the title characters' love story (which you'd think would be the bigger plot line...given the title), and one which involves the war between the Greeks and the Trojans—specifically, a lot of drama between Hector, Ajax, and Achilles (actually the bigger plot of the play). So let's get into it.

We open with a prologue, a soldier basically setting the stage for us. The Greeks and the Trojans are at war because Menelaus' no-good, philandering wife Helen is sleeping with Paris. So basically they've been fighting for years because the Greeks are trying to get Helen back. She must be one hot dame. 

Then we happen upon a conversation between Troilus and Pandarus in which Troilus is whingeing on about how in love he is with Pandarus' foxy niece Cressida, and Pandarus is snappy because he's fed up with Troilus' thankless bellyaching. But that doesn't stop Pandarus from being totally #TeamTroilus in the very next scene as he and Cressida are watching all the Trojan lords parade by on their return from the latest battle. After Pandarus leaves, we the audience get it from Cressida herself that she's definitely into Troilus but she's playing hard to get because—and I quote—"Things won are done".

Next we hop over to the Grecian side and sit in on a powwow between Agamemnon and his commanders who are trying to figure out how to light a fire under Achilles who is their best warrior but is refusing to fight. He's upset the entire balance of power in the Greek camp, and it's really ticking the top brass off. Hector (the Trojan heavyweight) has issued a challenge to the Greeks vowing to fight in one-on-one combat their best guy (presumably Achilles), but that puts the Greeks in a tough spot. For one thing, as already mentioned, Achilles can't be bothered. For another, even if they could get Achilles to accept the challenge, if he loses to Hector, it would really put a damper on Greek morale. They come up with a plan to rig a lottery in which Ajax would be chosen to fight Hector. If Ajax loses, they can save face by saying that Achilles would have won, and in the meantime, they can ruffle Achilles' feathers by passing him over.  Win-win. 

Back in the Trojan camp, King Priam and his sons are debating whether or not this whole war is even worth it anymore and maybe they should just send Helen back to her husband and be done with the whole bloody mess. Troilus pipes up saying their entire honor is on the line and the fight must go on. Paris is obviously with Troilus on this (no shock there, he's the one knocking boots with Helen) but why Troilus is so hot about this, I still don't know. It's a point he presses until Hector and everyone else give in. 

Agamemnon decides to go see if Achilles is warming up at all, but Achilles blows him off which naturally tries the last bit of patience Agamemnon has and he determines to stick with the original plan of sending Ajax out to battle Hector.

That pretty much sums up the first two acts. Still with me?

In Act 3, Pandarus finally gets Troilus and Cressida in the same room and pretty much tells them to just kiss already. Which they do once he leaves them alone. Little Miss Hard-to-Get gives it up awfully fast when Troilus whispers a few sweet nothings in her ear and they're vowing to basically be the greatest lovers in the history of the world when Pandarus comes back. 

But over in the Greek encampment, Cressida's pimp father is cutting a deal with Agamemnon to release a Trojan commander they've captured in exchange for his daughter since all the Greeks are super aware of how smokin' hot she is and he knows what a prize she'd be for them. What?! Obviously, Agamemnon thinks this is a great plan and sends Diomedes to go get her.

Also in the Greek camp, everyone has snubbed Achilles and started singing Ajax' praises which finally starts to get under Achilles' skin and he goes to Ulysses to find out what's going on. Ulysses tells Achilles he's yesterday's news and everyone thinks Ajax is the hero now and maybe if he'd quit messing around and fight already, people might respect him again. Which Achilles takes to heart.

So Diomedes goes to get Cressida, and all the Trojans are talking about how Troilus is going to take it real hard. Which he kinda does, but he also kinda doesn't. I guess he got what he wanted from her, because when it's time to go, he's all, "Sorry 'bout ya, sis, but this is the way things are. Stay true to me though, even when you're over there with all those hot and horny Greek guys." And Cressida's all, "Troilus forever."

When Diomedes shows up in the Greek camp with Cressida, there's this awkward scene where all the commanders insist on kissing her....and then call her easy behind her back. 

Then it's time for the much-hyped duel between Hector and Ajax. And it's a wash. Turns out, they're cousins and Hector can't kill his own kin so they end up hugging it out. Super lame.

Then there's a scene where Achilles is bragging about how he's going to wreck Hector, but then he gets a letter from his girlfriend telling him not to fight and he's all, "Aw man, I can't fight now."

Then Diomedes slips off to go see Cressida and Troilus follows him to see what's up. Diomedes is putting his best game out there and Cressida is into it. As Troilus watches in agony, Cressida—after a lot of flirty back and forth—gives in and and promises herself to Diomedes. Troilus can't believe it and vows to find Diomedes on the battlefield and kill him.

Then everyone's getting ready for battle and Hector's wife and sister and dad and anyone nearby are begging him not to fight because they're sure he's going to die and Hector just laughs them off. Troilus comes in and says he's ready to rage on the battlefield today, and off they all go to fight. 

Then...everything falls apart. There's a bunch of fighting. Something about Hector killing a guy for his fancy armor, and Troilus yelling at Diomedes about stealing his horse, and Achilles setting the Myrmidons on Hector to stab him to death while he's trying on his fancy new armor, and everyone finds out Hector died, and Troilus is still vowing to get revenge and then it's just over.

Seriously. That's the end. 

This play was just weird and it's the first Shakespeare play I've read that had absolutely zero closure. It seemed like old Willy just ran out of gas and stopped because he didn't care anymore. Which, you know, whatever. That's cool. But if you're trying to hit the highlights with the Bard, this is one you can definitely skip. I enjoyed it for what it was, and I'm always glad to check another Shakespeare off my list on my quest to reading them all, but this one just wasn't great. Would not read again, would not recommend. Unless you're looking for some spicy insults to shout at other drivers on the road. Then this might be the play for you. 

I think I'm down to six tragedies and seven comedies left. (Plus the histories and all the poetry.) I might try to squeeze in two comedies next year to even that up a bit. Any suggestions for what they might be?

And BONUS: when you're trying to read your Shakespeare but the puppies just want to snuggle.

I'm not mad at 'em.