Let's Bust a Recap : All's Well that Ends Well

All's well that ends well? What a joke. In this lesser-known comedy by Shakespeare, we meet two of his most unlikeable characters to date: Bertram and Helena. 

If you're new around here, let me begin by saying that in most of my recaps, I try my best to be careful not to give away any major plot points or spoilers—even though I'm usually talking about classic literature that's been around for ages. But when it comes to Shakespeare, I give you my unfiltered take on the whole play. If you're on your own quest to read the entire works of Shakespeare (which is one of my personal goals in life) and you've made it this far with little knowledge of what his plays are actually about (which I've managed to do) and want to keep it that way (you have my full support): steer clear.

Now, let's get down to it. 

At the beginning of All's Well that Ends Well, we meet Bertram, his mother and her orphaned ward Helena at the funeral of Bertram's dad. After a cheerful conversation about his father's demise and the King's similar illness, Bertram is off to take his dad's place in the ailing King's court. We then discover that Helena's got it bad for Bertram but is extremely aware that he would never even think about swiping right on her Tinder page.

What's a girl to do? 

She takes herself off to the King's court right behind Bertram to offer up her healing services to the King in exchange for her choice of a husband from all the men in the King's domain. She's so confident she can heal the King that she pledges her own life if he fails to get better. (Can you smell the desperation?) The King finally figures, hey, it's worth a shot; I've already got a foot in the grave anyway and takes her up on her offer. 

The King is healed! (And can I get a bottle of this mystery potion of Helena's for my medicine cabinet?)

Obviously, Helena picks Bertram to be her husband. He then proceeds to publicly denigrate her and says he would rather eat worms than ever marry her low-born behind. To her face, y'all. 

The King tells Bertram to pony up and marry her or he will make his life miserable so Bertram changes his tune real quick. And Helena takes him. 

As soon as the wedding is over, Bertram sends Helena packing back to his mom's house and tells her the day he consummates their marriage will be a cold one in Hell and she can consider him her husband when she's pregnant with his child which will be a hot never as far as he's concerned then takes off to Italy to party it up and sleep with any pretty young thing that catches his eye.

Mama Bertram did not raise her son to be the pus that feeds on pond scum and promptly disowns him, claiming Helena as her daughter and declaring her son could only wish for a woman as good as Helena. (Because we ladies gotta stick together, ya dig? Although if I was Ma B, I would have told Helena to pull it together and scrape up some self-respect.)

Helena's not done with Bertram though. The heart wants what it wants, I guess. She claws her own way to Italy and finds Bertram's latest obsession, a sweet virgin named Diana who is smart enough to see through Bertram's crap and hasn't given him the time of day. Helena convinces Diana to trick Bertram into giving her his family heirloom ring in exchange for her promise to meet up with him for a little midnight hanky-panky. (At which point in the play, I started to get some serious Tamar and Judah vibes.) Bertram falls for Diana's schtick hook, line, and sinker, and they trade rings. Bertram finally gets his little fantasy rendezvous with Diana (or so he thinks) and leaves her in the dust but continues to wear her ring as a little souvenir of his favorite Italian conquest. 

Insert: there's a whole side story going on about Bertram's loser friend Parolles but I don't even deem it worth mentioning so there's that. 

In the meantime, Helena's been busy faking her own death and has everyone back in France mourning her loss. Bertram returns home thinking he's free of the ball and chain so what can the King do to him, right? In fact, why not try to go ahead and set up an advantageous marriage with a Lord's daughter? The King recognizes Helena's ring on Bertram's finger and wants to know what in the blazes is going on, but Bertram feeds him a line of garbage and manages to convince him to set him up with a respectable woman.

Diana shows up to out Bertram's despicable philandering (at which point his advantageous marriage arrangement is done for), and he in turn calls her a common whore (real classy). She sets the scene perfectly so that the King, Mama Bertram, and the entire court of France have no doubt that if she produces the Bertram family heirloom ring, she's telling the truth and Bertram will be exposed for the ridiculous, womanizing liar we all know he is.

BOMBSHELL: Helena shows up pregnant with the heirloom ring and announces that she fulfilled Bertram's challenge to be his baby mama so now he has to be her husband for realz. (In case you somehow missed it, she and Diana pulled the old switcheroo on Bertram in the nighttime.)

So Bertram swears his love to Helena and all's well that ends well. 

Really? Problematic at best. I mean, Helena's about the worst female protagonist I've ever heard of. You can do better, sweetie. 

Not my favorite from Shakespeare and little wonder this was never really one of his popular plays, but I did find it to be more compelling and a lot more readable than As You Like It. However, I'm still sticking with Much Ado About Nothing or The Taming of the Shrew as my top two Shakespearean comedy recommendations. 

What's your recommendation for my next Shakespearean comedy?