Let's Bust a Recap : Troilus and Cressida

It's August and you know what that means: time for a Shakespearean tragedy! This year it was Troilus and Cressida. I thought King Lear had the best bit of name-calling I've read in any of Shakespeare's plays, but he outdid himself in Troilus and Cressida. We couldn't get through a page of this play without some epic putdowns, and I'm always here for that.

In Troilus and Cressida, we basically have two separate stories going on: one which involves the title characters' love story (which you'd think would be the bigger plot line...given the title), and one which involves the war between the Greeks and the Trojans—specifically, a lot of drama between Hector, Ajax, and Achilles (actually the bigger plot of the play). So let's get into it.

We open with a prologue, a soldier basically setting the stage for us. The Greeks and the Trojans are at war because Menelaus' no-good, philandering wife Helen is sleeping with Paris. So basically they've been fighting for years because the Greeks are trying to get Helen back. She must be one hot dame. 

Then we happen upon a conversation between Troilus and Pandarus in which Troilus is whingeing on about how in love he is with Pandarus' foxy niece Cressida, and Pandarus is snappy because he's fed up with Troilus' thankless bellyaching. But that doesn't stop Pandarus from being totally #TeamTroilus in the very next scene as he and Cressida are watching all the Trojan lords parade by on their return from the latest battle. After Pandarus leaves, we the audience get it from Cressida herself that she's definitely into Troilus but she's playing hard to get because—and I quote—"Things won are done".

Next we hop over to the Grecian side and sit in on a powwow between Agamemnon and his commanders who are trying to figure out how to light a fire under Achilles who is their best warrior but is refusing to fight. He's upset the entire balance of power in the Greek camp, and it's really ticking the top brass off. Hector (the Trojan heavyweight) has issued a challenge to the Greeks vowing to fight in one-on-one combat their best guy (presumably Achilles), but that puts the Greeks in a tough spot. For one thing, as already mentioned, Achilles can't be bothered. For another, even if they could get Achilles to accept the challenge, if he loses to Hector, it would really put a damper on Greek morale. They come up with a plan to rig a lottery in which Ajax would be chosen to fight Hector. If Ajax loses, they can save face by saying that Achilles would have won, and in the meantime, they can ruffle Achilles' feathers by passing him over.  Win-win. 

Back in the Trojan camp, King Priam and his sons are debating whether or not this whole war is even worth it anymore and maybe they should just send Helen back to her husband and be done with the whole bloody mess. Troilus pipes up saying their entire honor is on the line and the fight must go on. Paris is obviously with Troilus on this (no shock there, he's the one knocking boots with Helen) but why Troilus is so hot about this, I still don't know. It's a point he presses until Hector and everyone else give in. 

Agamemnon decides to go see if Achilles is warming up at all, but Achilles blows him off which naturally tries the last bit of patience Agamemnon has and he determines to stick with the original plan of sending Ajax out to battle Hector.

That pretty much sums up the first two acts. Still with me?

In Act 3, Pandarus finally gets Troilus and Cressida in the same room and pretty much tells them to just kiss already. Which they do once he leaves them alone. Little Miss Hard-to-Get gives it up awfully fast when Troilus whispers a few sweet nothings in her ear and they're vowing to basically be the greatest lovers in the history of the world when Pandarus comes back. 

But over in the Greek encampment, Cressida's pimp father is cutting a deal with Agamemnon to release a Trojan commander they've captured in exchange for his daughter since all the Greeks are super aware of how smokin' hot she is and he knows what a prize she'd be for them. What?! Obviously, Agamemnon thinks this is a great plan and sends Diomedes to go get her.

Also in the Greek camp, everyone has snubbed Achilles and started singing Ajax' praises which finally starts to get under Achilles' skin and he goes to Ulysses to find out what's going on. Ulysses tells Achilles he's yesterday's news and everyone thinks Ajax is the hero now and maybe if he'd quit messing around and fight already, people might respect him again. Which Achilles takes to heart.

So Diomedes goes to get Cressida, and all the Trojans are talking about how Troilus is going to take it real hard. Which he kinda does, but he also kinda doesn't. I guess he got what he wanted from her, because when it's time to go, he's all, "Sorry 'bout ya, sis, but this is the way things are. Stay true to me though, even when you're over there with all those hot and horny Greek guys." And Cressida's all, "Troilus forever."

When Diomedes shows up in the Greek camp with Cressida, there's this awkward scene where all the commanders insist on kissing her....and then call her easy behind her back. 

Then it's time for the much-hyped duel between Hector and Ajax. And it's a wash. Turns out, they're cousins and Hector can't kill his own kin so they end up hugging it out. Super lame.

Then there's a scene where Achilles is bragging about how he's going to wreck Hector, but then he gets a letter from his girlfriend telling him not to fight and he's all, "Aw man, I can't fight now."

Then Diomedes slips off to go see Cressida and Troilus follows him to see what's up. Diomedes is putting his best game out there and Cressida is into it. As Troilus watches in agony, Cressida—after a lot of flirty back and forth—gives in and and promises herself to Diomedes. Troilus can't believe it and vows to find Diomedes on the battlefield and kill him.

Then everyone's getting ready for battle and Hector's wife and sister and dad and anyone nearby are begging him not to fight because they're sure he's going to die and Hector just laughs them off. Troilus comes in and says he's ready to rage on the battlefield today, and off they all go to fight. 

Then...everything falls apart. There's a bunch of fighting. Something about Hector killing a guy for his fancy armor, and Troilus yelling at Diomedes about stealing his horse, and Achilles setting the Myrmidons on Hector to stab him to death while he's trying on his fancy new armor, and everyone finds out Hector died, and Troilus is still vowing to get revenge and then it's just over.

Seriously. That's the end. 

This play was just weird and it's the first Shakespeare play I've read that had absolutely zero closure. It seemed like old Willy just ran out of gas and stopped because he didn't care anymore. Which, you know, whatever. That's cool. But if you're trying to hit the highlights with the Bard, this is one you can definitely skip. I enjoyed it for what it was, and I'm always glad to check another Shakespeare off my list on my quest to reading them all, but this one just wasn't great. Would not read again, would not recommend. Unless you're looking for some spicy insults to shout at other drivers on the road. Then this might be the play for you. 

I think I'm down to six tragedies and seven comedies left. (Plus the histories and all the poetry.) I might try to squeeze in two comedies next year to even that up a bit. Any suggestions for what they might be?

And BONUS: when you're trying to read your Shakespeare but the puppies just want to snuggle.

I'm not mad at 'em.