Keep Moving

Our adoption is over. We didn't get a referral. We won't be bringing any children home from Ethiopia. It hasn't gone at all the way we expected it to. And surprisingly, we are full of peace and joy. I went back and forth with myself over whether I wanted to write about this publicly or not, but once again, reading Elisabeth Elliot's writing has helped me sort through a lot of my emotions and thoughts about the end of our adoption. 

You see, we knew from the very beginning that we were stepping into this process on faith. We knew very well that we might make it to the other side with no child to show for it. Or at least we said we knew it. I don't think I ever really believed we wouldn't be parents when everything was said and done. But God knew. 

We've had people ask us why, if we thought this was God's will for us, are we not immediately pursuing adoption from some other avenue or why don't we continue to wait it out. Those are certainly valid questions, and they aren't easy to answer. When I got to pages 30 and 31 of Let Me Be A Woman, I found that Elisabeth Elliot was able to start to verbalize some of the things I've been learning through this long, sometimes hard, journey:

"The truth is that none of us knows the will of God for his life. I say for his life--for the promise is 'as thou goest step by step I will open up the way before thee.' He gives us enough light for today, enough strength for one day at a time, enough manna, our 'daily' bread. And the life of faith is a journey from Point A to Point B, from Point B to Point C, as the people of Israel 'set out and encamped in Oboth. And they set out from Oboth and encamped at Iyeabarim, in the wilderness...From there they set out and encamped on the other side of the Arnon...and from there they continued to Beer...and from the wilderness they went on to Mattanah to Nahaliel, and from Nahaliel to Bamoth, and from Bamoth to the valley lying in the region of Moab.' So far as we know, nothing happened in these places. Oboth, Iyeabarim, Arnon, Beer, Mattanah, Nahaliel, Bamoth mean nothing to us. That immense crowd just kept moving. They traveled and they stopped and they made camp and packed up again and traveled some more and made another camp. They complained. There were so many complaints that even Moses, who was a very meek man, could hardly stand the sight of these whom God had called him to lead. But all the time God was with them, leading them, protecting them, hearing their cries, goading and guiding them, knowing where they were going and what His purposes were for them and He never left them. It is not difficult when you read the whole story of God's deliverance of Israel to see how each separate incident fits into a pattern for good. We have perspective that those miserable wanderers didn't have. But it should help us to trust their God. The stages of their journey, dull and eventless as most of them were, were each a necessary part of the movement toward the fulfillment of the promise...The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived--not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner."

The truth is, I don't know why God had us go through this experience to not end up with a child from Ethiopia. I do know that we trusted Him to do His will in our family as we started the process to adopt. And I do know that we are continuing to trust Him to do His will in our family now that our adoption is over. I'm not sure if that means we will try to adopt again in the future. I'm not sure if that means we will have children biologically. I'm not sure if God will ever give us children. He hasn't promised us that.

What I am sure of is that His plan is perfect, and I have learned in an even deeper, more intimate and personal way that I completely trust Him and agree with whatever His plan is for our family. He has given me peace and joy that I can't explain or even understand myself. 

God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. It's really true. 

To wrap this up, let me conclude with another excerpt from Let Me Be A Woman in which Elisabeth Elliot is talking about something her husband Jim Elliot wrote to her in a letter:

"'Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living,' he wrote to me, and those words have helped me very often since. We accept and thank God for what is given, not allowing the not-given to spoil it."

Oh that I would live with a thankful heart in every circumstance. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

The Teachable Moment

My husband and I are adopting. I don't talk about it much here on the blog because that's not what this particular blog is about. I enjoy reading other adoption blogs, and I've found a lot of helpful information by reading them and been encouraged by them too, but that's just not what I'm about in this space. 

But today, I'm "seizing the teachable moment" as some would say because I'm not very good at doing it in the actual moment.

A few weeks ago, a very sweet lady approached my husband and me to ask how the adoption was going or if we'd had any news and what the process was going to look like. This has become pretty standard fare, and most of the time, I think I'm used to it. And despite the fact that I've had people asking me why we don't just have "our own kids" or telling me they're praying that God "opens my womb", I've discovered that I have not yet heard it all. Because as we were sitting there answering the same old questions about how nothing new has happened, this sweet lady asked if we were just determined to "wait for a black one". 

And I just can't seem to let this one go. I've learned in this process that no matter how prepared I think I am for crazy comments like those, I never actually am ready for them, and, as I mentioned earlier, I'm not good at seizing the teachable moment to educate those well-meaning but utterly-misled people who assume things like we're adopting from Africa simply because the children are black there. I'm usually just trying to recover from the absolute shock that I actually heard something worse than the last time and make it through the conversation without falling over.

Because the color of a child's skin is not the point.

It has never been the point.

It will never be the point.

We're not adopting from Ethiopia because we want a black baby. 

We're not adopting because my womb is closed. 

We don't see a difference between "our adopted kids" and "our own kids". 

If God blesses us with children who are black, white, red, yellow, or polka-dotted, we will love them and we will claim them as our own. All of them. I really don't care if my children come from my body or from some other woman's body; if God puts them in our family, we will cherish them. End of story. If God doesn't give us any children ever for the rest of our lives on this earth, we will still love God and each other and be thankful for the lives He's abundantly blessed us with. That's it.

We're not the best at it, but we're trying to live in obedience to God's will for our lives and our family. And we believe with all our hearts that adoption is part of His will for this family. 

Right now, that looks like adoption from Ethiopia. In the future, it might look like adoption from foster care. Or adoption from India. Or adoption from China. Or adoption from outer space, if the need arises.

So please, if you know someone going through what seems like a very long and complicated process of adoption that doesn't make sense to you when you think they should just get pregnant and make a family the normal way, don't assume that they can't get pregnant. Don't assume they're adopting just because they want their family to look a certain way. Just love them, pray for them, believe they're doing what's best for their family, and hug them tight every once in a while when it seems like the wait will never ever end.

It's really as simple as that.

"Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven."

~ Matthew 18:10 ~

Waiting

Waiting.

According to Elisabeth Elliot, "Patient waiting does not come naturally to most of us, but a great deal is said about it in the Bible. It is an important discipline for anyone who wants to learn to trust." And boy, am I learning this the hard way right now.

Cody and I have been waiting 16 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day for a referral. And that's not even including the 8 months of paperwork it took prior to our names being officially registered in Ethiopia. And I guess while I'm at it, I'll mention that there were still 4 months before that of researching agencies and countries, begging God to reveal His will for our family, and numerous phone calls made and pre-applications submitted. So to add it all up, it's been nearly 2 and a half years since we began this process, and today, there is still no end in sight, no light at the end of this very dark tunnel. 

When we started this process, we knew that this waiting, this uncertainty, was a very real possibility, and if you asked us then, we would have said that things could change anytime and we were prepared for that if it happened. We also thought that our wait for a referral would be approximately 3 to 4 months. 

16 months. 3 weeks. 1 day.

I don't know how rusty your math skills may be, but that's more than 4 times as long as we initially thought. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't gotten discouraged, that I've trusted God perfectly through all these months of waiting. 

I've gotten discouraged.

I've had my doubts.

In her book Passion & Purity, Elisabeth Elliot says:

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts."

And as a result of all this waiting, I can honestly say that I am willing to bear the uncertainties, and I'm learning to carry my unanswered questions to God. Notice I didn't say that I've learned. I'm still learning. It's a day-by-day exercise. This stretching of faith is not exactly comfortable, but I really believe it's worth it. I want to trust, and if the discipline of patient waiting results in a deeper trust in God, so be it.

In reference to her courtship with Jim Elliot, Elisabeth wrote, "Tomorrow was not our business; it was His. Letting it rest with Him was the discipline for the day, and it was enough." She was writing about a day that they were able to spend together, and how in order to enjoy that time, they couldn't be agonizing about the future. They had to trust that it was in God's more than capable hands. During this time of waiting for our children, I have learned to thank God for this special time with Cody. This time that we get to learn more about each other as husband and wife without the responsibilities of keeping other little humans alive. It isn't always easy to be thankful. It is, as Elisabeth says, a daily discipline, but letting it rest with God is far better than worrying about it or falling into despair. That's not helpful to me, or my husband, or my children. 

"It is not that everything that has anything to do with ourselves is in itself wicked and deserving of death. It did not mean that when Jesus said, 'Not my will...' There could not have been even the smallest part of His will that was wicked. It was a choice to lay down everything--the good He had done and the good He might do if He was permitted to live--for the love of God. The same choice is offered to us."

This was encouraging to read. I was reminded that my desire to bring these children home as soon as possible isn't wicked. I'm not wrong to will that God give us a referral soon, that the process would go smoothly and quickly. God wills that we place the orphans into families. That we love one another the way Christ loved us. That we esteem others and their good better than our own. But even though I'm not wrong to want any of that, I'm called to lay aside my own will and prefer God's. If I love God, that's what I'll do. It's not easy. Sometimes I don't understand it. But I want to love God, so that's what I must do.

Reading Passion & Purity was such an encouragement to me in this long wait for our children. It was also a challenge. The final arrow to my heart was from one of Elisabeth's diary entries as she wondered what God's will was for her and Jim:

"Today the thought occurred to me, Suppose He should ask me to wait five years? It stuns me to think of it. Yet--could I imagine that the mercy of God which has stretched to me from everlasting to everlasting could be exhausted in five years?"

Surely Your mercy is enough. Thank You for teaching me to trust You completely, deeply, unconditionally.

Christmas 2013

Let's Bust a Recap : Passion & Purity

Ok, my little blog community, it's time to bust another recap. Hopefully in the months leading up to the conclusion of 2015, I'll be putting these out weekly, because we're already past the halfway mark of the year and I'm not even close to any kind of halfway mark on my book list. I don't necessarily intend to read every single book from my original list, but I at least want to have a decent amount of them (aka: more than half) completed by the end of the year. 

Anyway, without further ado, my recap on Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. I looked online for an image of the book with the cover that's the same as the one I have, but alas, I couldn't find one. Hence, you get to see this lovely little Photo Booth selfie of me holding one of my most beloved books. 

I first read this book shortly after graduating college in 2008 as it was a gift from a dear classmate of mine. I loved it then, but I have to say, this second read-through was much more poignant for me. 

Elisabeth Elliot wrote Passion & Purity in 1984 in response to numerous letters she received asking questions regarding staying pure outside of marriage, the roles of men and women in romantic relationships, and how to honor God while "falling in love". Within the pages of the book, she recounts her own struggles in all these departments during her 5-year courtship with Jim Elliot. Not only is this book chock-full of Scripture and words from encouraging hymns of the faith, it contains entries from her diaries and letters from Jim as well. Her main focus in the book is living in obedience to God and loving His will for your life above all else. She doesn't shy away from the hard questions or conceal the struggles she herself dealt with, and writes plainly and truthfully about what the will of God is. 

I love it.

This is one of those books that I would highly recommend to anyone. If you are single but want to be married someday, this book is for you. If you are single and don't ever want to be married, this book is for you. If you are married, this book is for you. If you are a romantic, this book is for you. If you are in a season of waiting--for anything--this book is for you. If you are a Christian, this book is most certainly for you. 

I think the reason that this reading of the book was so much more touching to me was the timing. This book was written in 1984, but it could not possibly be more relevant to the current generation. With all the recent changes our country has been undergoing in regards to marriage and morality, this book boldly proclaims the truth of God's word without compromising. God's truth is never out of date, never lacking relevance, never not applicable. No matter what anyone says, God's word is always right, even if it's not popular and even when it means denying self. I think any Christian would benefit and be encouraged by the reading of Passion & Purity, especially now.

The other reason I was so affected by this reading of Passion & Purity is because I am currently in a tough season of waiting as Cody and I seek to adopt. Although Elisabeth Elliot writes about the challenges of waiting for marriage, I found my heart being squeezed with conviction about my attitude and my faith while I wait for God's will concerning bringing children into our family. It was challenging and encouraging and emotional to read this book with our personal situation in mind. Don't be surprised if a post pops up soon quoting Passion & Purity and our struggle with the long wait in this adoption process. 

To sum it up, I would seriously encourage you to grab a copy of Passion & Purity and read it for yourself. There were whole chapters I wanted to copy down and share on the blog, and I told Cody while I was reading it that I just wanted to memorize the whole book. It's really good, and I'm so glad I included it on my book list this year. It couldn't have been a more appropriate thing to read as we face so many drastic changes in this country. 

Have you ever read Passion & Purity or anything else by Elisabeth Elliot? Are you in a tough season of waiting? Do you know where you stand on issues of morality and purity, and are you willing to stand alone if it comes to that?

Casual Fridays

Well, by the time you read this, we will be in North Carolina! Which is good because NC is one of my favorite places on earth, and this is how I've been feeling about life lately:

Adoption is really hard. I mean, like, excruciatingly hard. And believe me when I say that I know people mean well when they ask me if there are any updates. I know they love me, and are anxious to love on my kid(s). And I'm so blessed to have so many people supporting Cody and me through this, praying for us, and looking forward to meeting our child or children. 

I also know that God is in control. I know that all the hard stuff on this side of the adoption will be worth it when we finally bring our babies home. I know that I can trust God with all of it.

I really do.  If I didn't, we'd have pulled out of this a long time ago and moved on with our lives. 

So when someone else tritely responds to my shake of the head that, no, there is still no news with, "Well, God is in control, it will all be worth it"--I want to scream.

Do you want to know the best thing you could say to me right now if you must bring up the adoption? Honestly? You could just put your arm around me and acknowledge that, yes, this is really hard. This totally sucks. That you love me and you're praying for me. Just be prepared for me to turn into a blubbering mess all over you.

Or if you have a lot of willpower, you could not mention it at all. Believe me, when we get a referral, when we get to travel to meet him or her or them, when we finally are able to bring them home, I will be singing it from the rooftops. You will not be in the dark on that. If I'm not dancing up to you with some big life-changing, adoption-related news, I kid you not, there is none. And asking me about it is just a painful reminder that nothing is happening.

If you're reading this and you have asked me about it, please, PLEASE, don't think I'm upset with you. Go back up and re-read the part where I'm so, so thankful for all the prayers, love, and support. I've just learned that until you're going through something difficult, you don't understand what may or may not be hurtful. Hopefully this post will be helpful, an education, if you will. I love you, and I'm thankful that you care about me.

Well, that got heavy. I really wasn't planning to go into all that. Let's switch to a different topic.

Colonel's Corner

I love this puppy, y'all. Love him. But this week, we were not on speaking terms. 

He ate my Cake Batter ChapStick.

That is a cardinal sin in this household, and I was furious.

I mean, you know that I'm addicted to ChapStick, and my Cake Batter one was my favorite. The one I keep by my bed at all times. Don't tell me to stop being dramatic about this. It's not funny, ok? I was seriously ready to put him up for sale.

But we made up. He really is the sweetest.

If he eats my Sweet Peach ChapStick though, we're done. 

Have a wonderful weekend! I know I will because I'll be in the great state of North Carolina. Don't hate me if I miss a couple posts next week, and in the meantime, send ChapStick.

Verse of the Week

"Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" Job 2:10